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Father Figures

So just to be straight, I logged on and saw I had an entry that I never posted from back in June, I posted it. It's about 11 years of marriage. I admit, I didn't read it, and figure it is wine soaked. As are much of my posts. Oh well.

So tonight my husband came home after watching a pre-season game at a local bar. He came back with a good friend of mine, the husband to my best friend. When I realized they were coming over I quick got out of bed (yes, I was in bed at 2130), dressed excited to hear about the game and see them. Everything seemed great enough, he hung out for a beer but then needed to get back home to see his wife. After he left Paul seemed odd. I mentioned stuff that had happened in the evening he was disinterested, annoyed. So then the cork came out and he is livid with his father.

Back story: Paul's father is a piece of shit. He cut out early on, abandoning his first born (not that it's any less to abandon those after, but just extra harsh on some weird level). He did the typical promising to pick him up, him waiting on steps for his daddy only to just wait and wait. It gets worse. So this pattern continued with varied encounters through out his childhood and young adult hood. We last heard from him when Liam was just shy of a year. He was coming through our area with his wife and wanted to meet. Paul was going to have them at our house, I said no. I didn't want any memories to linger if it didn't go well. We met at a restaurant, had a meal, his father paid. We went to a bookstores, Paul's father bought Liam books. Gave us 50 bucks and talked about us coming to visit. It was tense. I felt like his father should have realized that much more talking needed to happen prior to asking for a visit! I mean really?!?! So anyhow.. they talked a time or two and nothing. nothing. Again: This man is a piece of shit.

Time to time talk of him arises and Paul hasn't said too much. He is a very forgiving and peaceful person. Until tonight. He's angry..

shit he is coming..

11 years later.

11 years? For real? So tomorrow, 11 years ago I got married. Married. I was 20 years old. I sit her now 31, is that really true? It's hard to comprehend. And then again it seems like forever since that day.

I have two beautiful children, a beautiful husband, a job and spend most of my time with my family. While so many things I wanted to do I haven't, I've done and explored a lot of other things that I never thought I wanted. Life is about peanut butter and jelly, parks, butterflies, astronauts, wine and drinks with my hubby at home and on weekends I'm a nurse.

In 11 years we've acquired many degrees, our children of course, cars, moved so many times...Any thinking forward to the next 11 I can't imagine where we'll go. If our track record keeps everything is up for grabs. I hope this next 11 is sweeter, calmer and brings us so many of the things we've been chasing. We've taken a different path

11 years later.

11 years? For real? So tomorrow, 11 years ago I got married. Married. I was 20 years old. I sit her now 31, is that really true? It's hard to comprehend. And then again it seems like forever since that day.

I have two beautiful children, a beautiful husband, a job and spend most of my time with my family. While so many things I wanted to do I haven't, I've done and explored a lot of other things that I never thought I wanted. Life is about peanut butter and jelly, parks, butterflies, astronauts, wine and drinks with my hubby at home and on weekends I'm a nurse.

In 11 years we've acquired many degrees, our children of course, cars, moved so many times...Any thinking forward to the next 11 I can't imagine where we'll go. If our track record keeps everything is up for grabs. I hope this next 11 is sweeter, calmer and brings us so many of the things we've been chasing. We've taken a different path...

...

And Now...

So, I'm looking down the hallway at 31. I just re-read my entry from just turning 30 and I'm smiling. It was so wonderful going to TN to celebrate and honestly there wasn't too much to fear about 30.

Well not too much. I do have arthritis. Yeah, at 30. It's in my foot from running on a broken foot in 2011. And I feel like I need more sleep, though I do a lot more in the day than I did in my 20's I feel like. Who knows.. but honestly 30 has been absolutely fine. I'm comfortable with it. I still get carded, maybe that helps. Ha.

In other news my boys are now 4 and 2.5. I actually took them to the Franklin Institute today and we had a wonderful time. It's actually possible to take both of them out to somewhere big like that now. Still a little crazy, I won't lie, but it's just so great to be out with them and watch them see things. They got to walk through the heart, which I did as a young child. They climbed aboard the train that I rode on as a child. I know I am so very very lucky for these experiences as a child, so to experience them again through my children.. I'm beyond lucky.

This year brings big changes. Paul's company is off the ground, growing and growing. Hopefully 2013 sees even more!! He also graduates!! A huge milestone for him, one I hope he enjoys it through and through, but doesn't feel let down at the end of it all. I think I did. But he'll have so much going on with his company that things will just hopefully go up, up and up!

Anyhow.. no big momentous thoughts for now.. I'll save that for another time...

Dirty Thirty, It's me.

So it's true. I. Am. Thirty. It was a "part of nature" like I tell Liam all the time about so many things. I understand it's not 40, or 5. But damn, I'm not in my twenties anymore.

It's an odd feeling. I can't deny that, does everyone feel this way? Or does everyone think it's really normal? Because I was pretty happy and content in my twenties. Especially in my late twenties. Life is so different. I'm tired a lot. I drink coffee, I take antacids, I drink wine. (are the two related?)

So for the actual day I wanted to be out of state, So I flew to Nashville TN, y'know like ya do. My brother, my sister-in-law and my so princess nieces live there so that was my icing. I love my brother like nothing else. And his wife and kids are amazing. It was a fantastic time, albeit crazy. Between the four of them running a muck and us all trying to catch up and enjoy some drinks and time it was madness. But that beautiful family madness i've always chased. Things in my family felt so small for so long, and now with the four little ones, my Liam and Desmond and Natalie and Ella, everything takes a different shape. I spend my birthday with my brother and then with the family when we went out to dinner and my brother and sister in law ordered 30 year old sparkling wine. It was delicious.

I now sit here, tired as all get-up. I spent last night with my best friend of all friends talking until 5am. Me who goes to bed at 1130 MAX or every now and then Paul keeps me up until 2 or so, I was up until almost 5am. We just talked. As naturally as we talked when we were 14. No matter now much things change so many things stay the same. For that, I am more thankful for. No everyone is as lucky to have friends like I do, a husband like I do, and children like I do.. while they are all imperfect and I am so majorly so... they love me. Isn't that amazing? when I feel so down and feel so worthless I have a fleet of those who do believe in me. I understand for that I am a billionaire.

And I'll take that roll of the dice and hold my cards, 'cause damn, they are good!

Um, Whoa.

So it's been more than a minute. I've often thought of entries as I'm falling asleep or running but then never take the time to come back here. It took me more than a minute to even figure out how to log back on here. so much in my life has changed, and yet so much is still so very much the same.

I have two beautiful sons. Two. I've gone from thinking I might never have a child, to having two. I feel more than lucky, and yet in the this luck I find so many challenges. My life has shifted in ways I never thought possible, I'm different. My focus is my children. Yes, I'm still a nurse, I work two days a week and five days I'm at home with my boys. In so many ways it's wonderful. And in so many ways it's hard. At work I wonder about my children and miss them terribly. And at home I think of all the other things I want to do in my life but find no energy, drive or time to pursue much of anything beyond my children. I know this time is fleeting, before I know it they'll be gone with lives of their own and now, NOW is my time with my boys while I'm still numero uno. Which I must say, being numero uno, is pretty nice. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of pressure! But when they run towards me hugging and kissing me, it's better than an oscar. Though I've never won an oscar to compare!

As for my husband, Paul so much is happening in his life it's hard to know where to start. He's at University of the Arts in Philadelphia, finishing up and has started his own business which is a full time job in and of it's self. Which is such a blessing, but stressful as his time is divided. I am very excited for his future, and ours, him growing and doing more only makes us stronger as a family unit and as a couple. This June we'll have been married 10 years. TEN years. When did that happen? And then again was there a time before Paul? We've been through so much and have been striving and working and toiling away... It's strange to look back at all the years. But I tell you this. It is most exciting to look forward and dream about what is to come. And that's it, right? That's important. If we already did everything and conquered every obstacle, why keep going? There would be nothing to talk about!

Anyhow.. I'd keep going, and I know I should.. but I just can't.. I want to promise to come back and write more, thinking that some day I'll be interested in what I thought in my "younger" years... but I just don't have anything else I feel like formulating at this moment.. so while I hope to be back, I can't promise. But dear journal.. I do always come home.

Time

Wow.. so yeah updates are infrequent. I'm only taking a few minutes here.. time is very much of the essence.

I would like to smack myself for every time I complained about not having enough time before kids. Because now that they are here, and they are so lovely and wonderful but that's for another paragraph or entry.... I take each 10 minute block and make the most of it. Getting a baby and and a toddler out the door is a feat. And it takes great will power. Their schedules are always swirling in my mind of who needs what and when. It makes meeting people out with them confusing. I talk and yet when "listening" or even talking I am watching the boys thinking about the next step.

Desmond is now 8 months old, Liam is 2.5 years old. It is amazing looking at the two of them and to think I thought I might never have one. I love and kiss them daily and tell them how special they are to me. I spend time with them, I'm home more than I'm away now. Which is good and bad. I want a career, I want a life outside of them and yet I want to be there for them and be a huge part of their lives as little ones. I've heard the plight of "working mothers" before but never understood it. Now I do. I love my job, I love being a nurse. I want to go so much further and yet I worry about being too distracted from my boys. It's a constant balance.

I think back to being pregnant with Desmond and it's hard to imagine. I know I was uncomfortable, I know it was hard caring for Liam and working, but I can't quite remember, even now just 8 months out. I feel so lucky for having that feeling of a baby inside me and for being so lucky to be pregnant and to have everything turn out okay. So often I care for families where things weren't okay, like were very very bad and my heart aches for them. I'm lucky.

In addition to the work/parent balance I've taken on getting myself into shape. I'm down 30lbs, more than half of what I want to lose, it's a great feeling. I'm so excited to be at the right weight again... I haven't feel like myself in so long... between miscarriage, pregnancy, nursing and post-pregnancy my body hasn't been my own. It may seem so trite to complain about after I've just said how lucky I am.. but I guess as a dancer/post eating disorder survivor it's present in my mind.

God, this is so undirected and half thought out... I might as well stop now.. perhaps later I'll have a moment and one though and be able to record it, for now.. what the hell I'll post this!

This post was brought to you buy overwhelmed mother after one glass of shiraz!

January Times...

Oh life.. It is officially the most depressing month of the year. Especially so if you have a toddler. No one told me how cooped up you could feel with a toddler and baby in the wintertime. I miss our days at the park so much. I miss leaving the house without clearing the car and hauling a car seat and holding my toddler's hand making sure he doesn't slip on the ice. We were really in a rhythm last spring/summer... staying in isn't fun for Liam, and isn't fun for myself or Paul either!

But I know spring will come and I know days like these will be behind me so so quickly. I am always someone who has struggled with process. I want things done. I'm the anti-procrastinator. I do the assignment the first night so it isn't hanging over my head. This thinking is great in college, not so great with babies. I love Desmond with all of my heart but ache to hear him speak to me, run up to me. Then I feel guilty like I've wished away his infanthood. But I'm so curious as to who he is going to be, I want to know him! I guess that can be a natural thought, right? I don't miss Liam's babyhood, I love who he is now. I love his ideas. I love that when he cleans up he sings the clean up song that I sing to him. I love that he says, "I wove you too Mommie" back to me when I tell him I love him. I love that when we are out he understands my tone when I tell him to stay by me, and I love it even more when he takes my hand without a word so that I'll walk with him somewhere.


So much is in process right now. Paul is still in school. I'm at a job I for the most part love but I need to work toward my graduate degree, work other places and see different things. I need to know where I'm headed.. am I to be a practitioner or a professor? Those are the obvious choices.. am I missing something? Of course where I go with my masters isn't a sentence, I can change path and do different things.. just it weighs on my mind of what to do and where to go. At the same time being a wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc... I know within myself I wouldn't be happy to be a stay at home mom, but at the same time it's very hard for me to balance what I want career wise and what I want for my children.

I started looking into pre-school for Liam. I can't even fathom driving him somewhere and leaving him there. I guess it would get easier once I've actually done it... but since he has been born I've only left him with my husband. And I leave when he's sleeping.. I've never had to say goodbye.. I'm struggling with only the thought of it! Because I might hold back and wait until after he turns 3... At the same time I know he needs pre-school and would really enjoy it.

I could drone on and on about more thoughts swirling around in my head but I think I'll take this opportunity and curl up with my book and some wine before falling alseep. Because it's winter, and what better to do?

It's a marathon... not a sprint.

I think that is important to remember in a marriage.  But oh so difficult... and it's especially trying when you those around you who seem to effortlessly live in wonderful marriage.  Sure you know you aren't behind closed doors where it might not be as rosey.. but you've seen enough to see that it's nothing like your union.  Your union's cracks make noise, people notice.  I think the main difference is that I met my husband at at time in my life and in his where everything wasn't going well.  And where both parties were massively immature.  We both had the credo, "All you need is love"!  Sure, it's the most important ingredient, but it ain't the whole biscuit.

Now after 9 years together we've suffered some growing pains.  Nothing has turned out remotely as we saw it.  Some things for the better.  But it makes it very hard to have a union with someone after 9 years of massive change and growth.  Between the jobs, college, miscarriage, infertility, music, children, and money a lot has happened.  There have been some bigger cracks brought to the surface in recent weeks. I won't dive into the details of the nasty moments, but lets just leave it at the fact that this union was in question.  Now we have talked, agreed to work on our marriage, and ourselves.  I really think counseling would do us well to further help us along but with two small children , jobs, and school that isn't much of a reality right now.  But then I think maybe I need to make it one.. I always feel that way when we are in a heated moment.. then it dies down and I think we can get through.  

I signed up for a sitter service looking for a baby sitter.  We used to have a girl we loved come and watch Liam, I was confident in her and felt safe.  Having a total stranger scares the crap out of me.  I keep reminding myself that it's normal to be nervous and normal to have a babysitter.  I wrote an email to one girl who replied to my posting so we'll see if she wants to meet up.  We need a babysitter so we can get out and have time together to become a couple again.  My parents watch the boys here and there, but I don't want to use them too much.  They watched the boys all day once, Oct 2, so I won't ask them to do anything for awhile.  

What feels so good at this junction is the fact that we are complete, here and complete.  I have two beautiful boys.  They are perfection.  I love that I got two.  I don't think if Desmond hadn't just happened on his own (or so it seemed!) that we would have ever had a second.  I love now that they have one another.  Now from here I can work on my marriage, my children, my career and know that the part of my life dying to have a baby is over.  Pregnancy wasn't easy to say the least.  Start with the fact that I've been pregnant 4 times and have two children.  Then add in two big babies, the second being 10.4 lbs.  The months out of work caring for them, the nursing and so on.  I love them but it's a crazy time of life.  I'm ready to build towards vacations to DC, or Disney with two running boys.

Gosh.. I'm all over the place.. it doesn't help that I keep getting up to do different things around the house... Perhaps I should just get up to bed.

Anyhow.. just some thoughts for tonight..

Motherhoodland

Well my brain is a bit scattered right now but I'm going to just write out some thoughts...


Saturday was my baby brother's wedding.  It was beautiful. It was held on the grounds of a historic museum in town at sunset.  They wrote their own very touching vows.  I balled the entire time.  I couldn't stop looking at my brother and thinking about him now as a man.  A man with two little girls, a wife, a house and in another state.  He has found a wonderful woman to call his own and has the most beautiful twin daughters a man could ask for.  And he cried, which sets me off.  My brother and I had our fights when we were little but I've never been able to handle him crying.  So seeing his emotion on this very special day made it all the more.  The reception was lovely, delicious food, dancing, and complete with him singing an original song he wrote for his bride.  He played the song on Paul's grandfather's guitar.  It was so very sweet.  In the week prior I got a chance to bond more with his now wife and I love her.  She and I have a lot to bond on, and get a long very well.  For that I know I am so lucky and thankful.  

On a sorry note the past week brought up deep trouble in my marriage.  Things are rocky, and have been for a long time.  Things now are patched up with promises on either side to make time for one another and to work harder at our bond.  I know most of it stems from lack of working at this bond and that with some work we can get through it.  We've taken a hard road of doing things.. married young, while I was still in school and just as we started our family Paul went back to school.  I don't regret starting our family, I think as much stress as it has added it will only add to it's strength, plus Liam is such a gift, as is Desmond.  But balancing a two year old, a two month old, my career, and Paul's school is a challenge.  I know how hard life was the first year of Liam, so we are going through that again with a newborn, and now a toddler.  Part of the job of now is getting though and still trying to savor and enjoy the moments of our boys growing.  I don't feel much like going more into that...

Desmond is doing so well at sleeping at going through the schedule, the difficutly I've been feeling as of late and especially today is Liam is starting to act out more.  More vocal and more explosive if he doesn't get what he wants.  I think he is feeling frustrated at having to wait at times while Desmond nurses.  Then he gets into trouble and I'm angry.  I don't always handle it gracefully, and that reflects through Liam.  I told myself this morning I would work through their naps today so I could get more done.  But now as they are both sleeping I'm thinking I need a nap just to recharge from morning.  Just to try and reset myself so I can better deal with the stress of Liam's behavior.  So I think I am actually going to lay down now near Desmond's baby seat where he is napping and try and re-collect myself before the afternoon/evening arrives.  This is the reality right now.  As much as I want to get all these things done while they nap I can't do all I want.  If I make myself a little more mentally stable I think we will all benefit from that much more than we would a clean kitchen floor.  I guess I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay... 

Skipping around...

 My grandmother and great aunt have been visiting for the wedding and to see baby Desmond.  They were to return to California today, however my great aunt is sick.  She is at the hospital now, they are running some tests to see what's up.  So looks like they'll be here at least another day or two.  I hate this extra stress on my Grandmother and of course hate that my aunt is sick.  I love them so much.  It's amazing how much closer I am to my grandmother now.... I didn't get to see her that much growing up since she was all the way in CA, but now we've really had a chance at some long talks and I am so amazed at the woman she is.  She is really a very special person, different from me and the same to me.  She is so strong and so full of live and love.  I truly admire and love her.

One more thing...

Paul and I, as I'm sure I've documented here, love going to the PA Ren Faire.  It's hard to explain exactly why we like it but it's a tradition for us to go.  This Saturday my parents are going to watch the boys so we can go.  I hate to leave my 10 week old baby, but I also know we really could use a day together.  I think I could use a day away from the boys too.  I'll miss them and re-charge and be ready for them.  

Well I am going to lay down now, recharge, then get up think about all that is good through out this stress and savor these moments.  In little bit I'm adding work to the mix, so I have to be ready for that.

They always say you are never ready for this... man is that right.. but I wouldn't change it.  I really wouldn't it.

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